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It had been a long month. Come to think of it, it had been a long few months. I leaned against the sea wall and stared out into the distance. The blurry waves were dancing along with the wind. The winter sun had long since hidden himself behind the clouds that touched the surface of the horizon. The sky was a fusion of unsuspecting colours – shades of blue and red which blended into each other like a piece of artwork.
I wish I had been able to appreciate the landscape more, it was beautiful, but my mind was a mess of tangled thoughts.
An empty, lonely, frustrated mess.
I closed my eyes and asked my heart, how would I define myself at this moment?
My heart answered within seconds.
I am pain’s captive, my feelings were the product of a hope that felt too big and a dream that was too easily shattered. I had grown accustomed to the voices of those whom I had loved, and the time had come for them to leave.
Some voices left quickly in the night, like a strong puff of breath onto a flickering flame. Gone in seconds.
Others left over time.
Once they had left it was necessary to gather the moments and the stories – all that had been shared and convert them into memories to be stored away for a rare reminiscent occasion, such as today.
The first few stars were shining in the sky.
I missed the old me, the girl who danced in the rain laughing and singing. I missed the girl who had the energy to soar through her dreams. I missed the girl who always knew the words to say. The same girl who drew big smiling faces on the steamed-up windows of cars. She seemed like a distant memory, one never to return.
I lifted up my head and watched the birds, flying in unison, shooting into the distance. Like some sort of orchestra, the waves lept higher into the sky and crashed down into the water beneath them with a magnificent voice. More stars were starting to appear. The moonlit up the sky like a flame and it’s shattered reflection danced across the water’s surface.
Within a second or two, a shooting star swept the sky.
I swear it was for me!
Everyone knows how much I love the stars.
Pain is a captor, it’s deadly grasp is very real. It convinces you that you are alone, that you were never loved and that you never will be loved. It snarls and tells you that you were an accident, a mistake and that what you are feeling is normal. It tells you that every beautiful thing you thought you had – every gift, skill and life lesson was and still is worthless. Pain says yes to hate and revenge and tells you how to fire the weapon. Pain knows what it needs to grow.
I don’t know where I am in the course of my life and I don’t know what will happen in a few days. But I do know that pain is an antonym of peace. I know that pain is often a response of the harsh realities of life, a natural response that needs to heal. Pain can lead to fear of the unknown future – the one that was not hoped for. I know that pain can often lead to anger, the antonym of love.
And I know that there is no fear in love.
Love is something pure, something often undeserved. Like it’s antonym anger, love is a choice. Love is stronger when it addresses the truth. Love chooses to protect, it chooses to trust, it constantly hopes. Love is not inward-looking, but it looks outward and pushes onwards towards a higher purpose and greater glory.
Pain is real, hope is often very distant, trust requires insecurity and waiting takes time. Everything needs time to grow. Take hold of your memories, acknowledge the losses, record each triumph and count every blessing.
Spring is coming.